Crack is Whack
by flo-bizet
Summary: Chapter Six: Shizuka Yuki is the newest member of the Tsubasa Group! Join her in her journey as she and Fai work through their pasts to create a new and better future together! KuroganexOCxFai! Parody chapter, don't worry
1. Accounts

**Date Written:** March 23, 2008

**Summary:** Kurogane and Fai's accounts of their time spent in Yama together.

**Flo:** It's Easter Sunday, I have finally been given sugary sweets after 40 days and 40 nights, I no longer have to remember to NOT eat meat on Fridays, and here I am, waiting TO GO TO WORK!! S'not fair. -_pouts_- So have some crack. Plus, I've been meaning to start another thing of just one shots for my crack mind. Hate posting one shots, really.

**WARNINGS!** Uuuuum… You know, I don't really think I'll have any for this chapter except language. And Kurogane can be a pervert. Tsk tsk.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Tsubasa, and this is the most unnecessary thing EVER.

**Hope you enjoy!**

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"What do you mean, 'what was it like?'" Kurogane asked. "What was what like, exactly?"

"Um, war?" Syaoran hesitantly answered. "I was only out there for a few days so I'd like to know more about it in order to be more prepared next time. For my sake and… Sakura's."

Kurogane sighed, figuring out that the kid wanted to know what the camp was like instead of actual battle. No telling what he had heard from others about the pretty soldiers being taken advantage of in the camps with no women around. Any idiot could tell that Fai was an obvious target. It would do the kid good to have some pointers if he ever found himself and the princess in such a situation. "Fine. But be warned, it's not a pretty story."

Syaoran grimly nodded.

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"Hm? What was what like, exactly?" Fai asked.

"The war you and Kurogane-san were in," Sakura timidly answered. "Syaoran-kun and me weren't really involved much in the actual experience, so, um, I'd like to know what it was like… just in case."

Fai made an "ah" sound of understanding. Sakura apparently was curious about camp life. It made sense. She was pretty, he was pretty, it was an obvious question one would ask another attractive to all sexes person. You had to be prepared, after all. "Alright, Sakura-chan! But be warned, all of it's not a pretty story.

Sakura grimly nodded.

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"It was hell."

"It was great!"

"The moment we got into the camp, I could hear these punk ass soldiers making comments about the mage and how 'they'd tap that' and crap. It was disgusting."

"Right when we got into the camp, all of these soldiers were smiling at me and whispering to each other. Now I of course knew what they were whispering about, but the attention was nice!"

"Not five minutes after we were officially in, some son of a bitch walks up to the idiot and starts putting his arm around him, claiming he wanted to show him around. Ch', probably to some tent or the forest or something to fulfill his perverted fantasies."

"Not five minutes after we were members of the club, some nice soldier comes up to me and puts him arm around me, saying something, I don't know, but it sounded nice! He was smiling very kindly after all. Though, it doesn't hurt to be cautious around those kind of men. Are you taking notes, Sakura-chan?"

"If I wasn't there to kick his ass, there's no telling what would have happened to him! I mean, he was probably already nominated for resident fuck soldier or something. Trust me on this, kid, there's always one in every camp and with that idiots exotic and sexy looks, he was king in a heartbeat, no questions asked… and I'm just quoting the soldiers on the whole 'exotic and sexy looks' thing, got it?!"

"Kuro-tan was so cute during our stay there! He was jealous that I was getting so much attention and not having much time to pay him any. He's just a big puppy on the inside, really. Write that down. Anyway, he beat up that first soldier very quickly and was yelling a lot. Also pointing his sword to me then the rest of the men standing around. Poor things nearly wet themselves. Luckily, even when I can't speak other people's language, I know what to do to make them happy! You see how successful I am with Kuro-puu, don't you?"

"You'd think after I yelled at the other soldiers to never touch the blond again or else I'd cut off their dicks and run my sword through their balls," -Syaoran gulped- "they'd get the freakin' picture. But no! The dumbasses kept coming onto him! I don't know why, there must have been something in the water for them to be that stupid!"

"Once I was allowed in the kitchen, I made some special treats from herbs and stuff I found in the forest. Really, that camp wasn't making good use of their resources. But I made sure to give them to the poor soldiers Kuro-chi scared as a peace offering. You want to make sure everyone gets along when in such close environments, after all! They seemed to really like it because they all wanted to be around me after that. Only, not so much when Kuro-tan was around. I suppose they were still scared of him."

"There was this one guy in particular who kept getting too close to him. He was a pretty boy, too… but not pretty like the mage. This guy was the kind who would probably be picking up a different girl every night, but was settling for the mage 'cause he's pretty and soft like a girl… I'm quoting again because I don't know if the guy's soft or not… what's with the confused look, kid?"

"This one guy in particular was really nice to me. He was very attractive, but not my type. My type is the strong, tall, tanned, spikey haired, red eyed, ninja-puppy kind. This one looked like he'd pick up a different girl every night and so settled for me since I was the probably considered the most girlish because of my hair, skin, and eyes. I've come to terms with this."

"Anyway, he was always all touchy with the idiot, constantly trying to sniff his hair or casually put his shoulder against his or run his hand up his thigh. Needless to say, that hand had an 'accident' during the next battle."

"The guy was a little too close, sometimes, but I understand a man's need to let out his sexual frustration. He was cutting it close when he tried to grope my… ahem, frontal area, but then he didn't seem in the mood after he lost that hand during the next battle. Did I mention Kuro-chi is super cute when he's jealous?"

"The men seemed to get the hint, finally, and stopped trying to grab at him… instead, they tried romancing him."

"Then all of a sudden, I started getting flowers and stuff from a bunch of people! They came with little notes, but I couldn't understand them so it was really pointless. But it's the thought that counts. Surely I had to return the favor of these kind men, so when one of them indicated they wanted to draw me, how could I turn such a compliment down?"

"It got worse. I started seeing these perverted drawings of the mage pop up all around camp! One even had him in this ridiculously tight and short, powder blue kimono that slipped off one shoulder and rode up past his creamy thigh to show a part of his hot, tight ass… QUOTING!"

"I think he was an art student because he just wanted to practice the anatomy of a male with a smaller build. All I had to do was stand or sit and he just went to different angles all around me and did a bunch of head and different body stretches. He was very grateful to me the whole rest of the war, along with a lot of the other soldiers for some reason."

"No telling how many of them were beating off to those things. It pisses me off that I wasn't allowed to kill every damn one of them and I could never trace the 'artist' either. Pervert."

"I was like an idol there! Everybody wanted to talk to me and helped me learn their language. Everywhere I went, the soldiers would call out my name and give me something or a few even tried to greet me in my own language! Isn't that nice?"

"Eventually the mage was what everybody was talking about once all the battle talk was done. Hell, the soldiers were even coming up to me to ask questions about him! Like what his favorite food was, his favorite color, his favorite flower, what he liked to do in his spare time, was he really as flexible as he looked, and, my favorite, 'how much?' Horny bastards."

"However, there was one place that was horrible. The shower room."

"The shower room was the worse, though. There, formalities were off and I could see everyone staring at the mage's backside, watching the water move down his back and over his perfect ass… Well, it is perfect… not that I've examined it! But I could tell that they were all waiting for him to bend over and then pounce on him. If it weren't for me showering right next to him all the time, I doubt he would have been able to walk out of there. Every one of them would have probably taken turns with him. That's the kind of things that you have to watch out for. He was lucky."

"The soap was filthy! It was always covered in dirt and grime, I had to scrape a layer away before actually using it. Not at all adequate for proper hygiene, especially when in such disgusting conditions already. Oh, and all the men were constantly starting at me and Kuro-rin was always by my side. It was very difficult to not pounce on him there, what with his wet, muscular body so hot and close to me… Sakura-chan, you're nose is bleeding!"

"For the rest of out time there, I spent it secretly following that idiot. It was the only way I could protect him in the more dangerous places, like the changing rooms… what?"

"For the rest of the time there, Kuro-pipi stalked me. I didn't mind, though. Better him peeping on me than a soldier who's not a sexy man beast, right?"

"Basically, kid, don't ever let the princess out of your sight… you know, except for private times… but other than that, keep a close eye on her. Her and the mage are too much alike sometimes and she seems to go to him for advice. Watch her."

"Basically, Sakura-chan, don't give it all up to the first guy in the camp who gives you flowers. I'd suggest asking Kuro-daddy for some self defense techniques, but other than that, don't worry about it! Syaoran-kun and Kuro-wanko are so much alike, I bet that they're also discussing this and Syaoran-kun seems to look up to him. So that means he'll probably follow you around constantly… you know, except for private times… so just have fun!"

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Syaoran reflected on all that had been replayed to him. While a lot of it was to be expected, some parts were… surprising. Not so much that Kurogane-san "secretly" found Fai-san to be very attractive and wanted to do things to him just as bad as the rest of the world did, but more that Kurogane-san hadn't killed everyone in the camp.

Still, now Syaoran knew what to do if he should ever find himself in a horrible situation like that with his precious princess.

And that it was okay to watch her in a changing room because it was protecting her from other perverts.

Yeah.

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Sakura reflected on all that had been replayed to her. It really didn't sound nearly as bad as other stories about pretty people in war. She was sure that Fai-san would have been constantly attacked and Kurogane-san rescuing him just in the nick of time. This would be followed by Kurogane-san carrying Fai-san back to their tent where he would gently make passionate love to him in order to heal his fear of physical contact. However, at the end of their time spent together and once herself and Syaoran-kun and Mokona arrived, they would have to stop their relationship, thinking it the best thing to do so as not to cause tension between their group and then they would have one last night of love making under the light of the full moon by a pond.

It was all tragically beautiful.

But if being the only girl in a camp during war time meant being an idol AND having Syaoran-kun follow her around, protecting her like a knight in shining armor, well then, she'd have to go sign up for the next war.

Along with Kurogane-san and Fai-san so they could once again find comfort in each other's arms (and maybe that world would have that camera thing that Tomoyo-chan always had).

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**A/N:** I can't believe how long this was. But I needed to just write clear dialogue and crack to get it out of my system. It'll be what this thang is for, 'kay? Now I'm going to try and work on that first part of me and bloodytwistedangel's collab fic! Course, I think she's really busy right now, anyway…

You know what to do!

Please leave a review!

As always, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is welcomed with those pictures of Fai.

**ALSO! Feel free to give me ideas, I'm open to them!**


	2. Helping

**Date Written:** March 26, 2008

**Summary:** Sakura uses her mad ninja skills for the greatest of all causes! HYAH!

**Flo:** It's my birthday… AND I'VE BEEN COMPLETELY ABANDONED!! Yes, Momma and Daddy rushed me when I woke up and was leaving for school, but my sister promised to take me out to lunch today and she's SLEEPING!! Ch'. She'll pay, though. So now I'm writing crack to let out some of my frustration.

**WARNINGS!** Shonen-ai. But it's really not that bad since I don't write lemons. Sorry!

**Hope you enjoy!**

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"Princess, would you like-?"

"Not now, Syaoran-kun!" Sakura interrupted. She didn't mean to be so rude to her Syaoran, honestly she didn't. She was just frustrated. She had been working all morning on special plans and none of them were good. The fruits of her labor lay scattered around her make shift work area, Mokona somewhere buried underneath the failed blue prints. But she would not give up!

"O-Okay," Syaoran timidly said. "But would you mind telling me what you're doing? You know, so I can help?" The kid would do anything for some attention from her (and kisses, kisses were nice).

"I don't know… are you sure you want to know? Witch-san did tell me that boys aren't as accepting or eager on this subject as girls."

"Don't worry, I'm prepared to handle anything!"

"Well, okay. I've been trying to devise a plan to get Kurogane-san to act on his natural male needs with Fai-san. Or, at least that's how Witch-san put it. Any ideas?"

Sakura swiveled her chair around to look at Syaoran, only to see he had turned to stone. Probably from a combination of her wanting their "parents" to do it and her knowing what "it" was. Really, she didn't understand why so many people thought her to be some ignorant little girl. She knew what sex was! And especially how two men had sex, thanks to late night discussions with Yuuko. Not to mention very fascinating reading material of Kurogane-san and Fai-san from her world. Why, there was one very good one where Fai-san was the grandson of a mob boss and forced Kurogane-san into being his boyfriend (for reasons yet to be revealed by the authors) and it's so yummy with angst! But she digresses.

Sighing, Sakura tried a new strategy. "Syaoran-kun, what would make you want to… you know…"

It looked as if Syaoran's brain literally exploded from that question. Sakura thought she knew why (or hoped) and quickly clarified. "No, I mean with Fai-san!"

Okay, that was the wrong wording, because now Mokona had had to run out and get a wet cloth while Syaoran lay in a huge pile of papers, muttering to himself.

As Sakura put his head in her lap (quite happily, I might add), she decided to simply try out a few of her plans to see what all it took to get Kurogane to get over his ridiculous denial already. It was getting old.

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Plan #402: Romantic Dinner of Aphrodisiacs

"Wow, Sakura-chan really outdid herself, don't you think, Kuro-puu?" Fai said as the two sat down to their specially made dinner.

"Hn," was all he got out of the man.

Sakura mentally cursed at this. While she loved her step-father of sorts, he was certainly a hard nut to crack. Which was odd because he always wanted Fai to open up and claimed to not hide anything himself, yet there he was, denying his feelings and in turn, hurting her poor step-mother! It annoyed her to no end, but she calmed herself and opted for staying where she was… which was under the table.

In hindsight, probably not the best idea because it hindered the soon-to-be-if-all-goes-according-to-plan-couple from playing footsie.

"What's that stuff?" Sakura heard Kurogane ask.

"I think she said it was oyster meat," Fai answered.

Sakura smiled in victory as she heard this. Going straight for the kill was what it sounded like. Wonderful!

"Looks nasty." Darn you, Kurogane-san!

"Don't say that!" Yay, Fai-san! "Sakura-chan worked very hard on all of this for us. The least you can do is try it!"

"Not before you do."

"What's the problem, Kuro-tan? It looks just like that sushi stuff you love so much."

"Sushi doesn't wiggle and crap!"

"Uh-huh."

"Shut up and eat it!"

"Okay, okay, no need to be such a grumpy puppy!"

A slurp.

Silence.

More silence.

"You oka-?"

Vomiting ensued.

Conclusion: It's not a good idea to try out new foods during a romantic dinner, due to the occupants of the food having largely different palates. This will cause miner disagreements and/or daring of the other party to try a certain food. Also, oysters are to NOT be left in room temperature for long periods of time.

Plan #6: Sick Mage Equals Caring Ninja

The dinner was a fiasco. However, this lead to a very early plan of Sakura's. The classic frail, bedridden pretty boy who needs some TLC from the hot, bad boy. Only a few years after their graduation. The plan had quickly been cast away due their age and the example she had seen was always for younger people. But they weren't that old… or at least, Kurogane wasn't.

It's hitsuzen! Sakura thought gleefully from her position in the air vent system, overlooking Fai's bed absolutely perfectly.

Kurogane had gone out to fetch some ginger and that was when Sakura pried open the vent in the side of the wall and used the ninja techniques she had been taught by him to shimmy up and around. Thankfully, Fai had been so nauseas that he hadn't heard (or had simply ignored) the loud banging that came with Sakura's travels (she was still in ninja training, lay off!).

"You alive?" Kurogane's gruff voice suddenly said.

"Barely," Fai weakly said.

"Brought you some ginger. It's supposed to make your stomach feel better or something."

"Kuro-rin is so thoughtful."

"Whatever."

Ah, Kurogane. Ever the bashful poet.

Sakura had to cover her mouth to keep quiet, because Kurogane was actually cradling Fai's head while helping him drink the ginger concoction! It was small, but still something. She thought that if others were around, he might not be as thoughtful.

"I'm feeling better already," Fai commented.

"It doesn't work that fast, idiot," Kurogane muttered. "And I don't want you getting out of this bed until you feel one hundred percent better, no questions asked. Got it?"

"Kuro-pipi, can you come here?"

"What?"

"Come here!"

"Fine. You better not puke on me!"

If Kurogane-san was friends with the Tomoyo-chan in his world and the souls of every Tomoyo-chan are the same, then why is he so not romantic and stuff? Sakura pondered.

"Kuro-chan," Fai began, "I… I don't think that this is just food poisoning, I'm afraid."

"What?" Kurogane said. "Why the hell didn't you tell me before, then?! We should get you a doctor-!"

"Shush." Fai put his finger to a confused Kurogane's lips to quiet him. "It's fine, really. This is a good thing!"

"How can you throwing your guts up be good?!"

"It's just part of nature when something like this happens."

What?!

"What?!"

"Kuro-puu… I'm having your baby!"

Fai then tossed the sheet aside to show a large lump where his belly was. Kurogane stared at it, the color draining from his face with each passing second while Sakura did the same (like father like daughter!). Then, to increase their confusion and shock, the lump began to move and giggle and Fai soon gave birth to Mokona via his shirt.

"Look, Kuro-daddy, it turns out you're not 'ma' baby Dadday' after all!" Fai laughed while Mokona snuggled up to his chest chanting, "Mommy! Mommy!"

"Of course I wouldn't be the freakin' father!" Kurogane shouted. "Do you even know how babies are made, idiot?!"

Sakura promptly hit head her head against the vent as she quickly realized that Kurogane's statement was too cryptic to say whether or not they had consummated their union.

"Damn it all, mage!" Kurogane was continuing. "Don't ever do that shit to me again, got it?! And you, manjuu, better start running out of here before I make soup from you! And you, Princess, get out of the vent thing before I drag you out! Do you have any idea how much crap is in there for you to get sick from?!"

"Kuro-rin's such a caring father," Fai mused. Then threw up again because while he couldn't resist the joke, it didn't mean he was okay.

Conclusion: Fever's are hot and sweet, but food poisoning is not.

Plan #362: Nighttime is the Right Time

Sadly, after that incident, Sakura had been confined to her room. Really, if Kurogane was going to act the part of Father in their group, the least he could do was properly fulfill his obligations to their Mother! Of course, in this equation, Syaoran would have to be step-brother in order for her to properly marry him in the future. The story would have to probably go like Syaoran is Kurogane's real son and Fai is Sakura's real father who feels it necessary for a girl to have a female role model and thus has her call him mother. The two families would happen to meet by Sakura and Syaoran beginning to date, since they went to the same high school, of course, and when their parents meet, it's love at first sight and they eventually get married and then Sakura and Syaoran get married and live in a cute little house with a white picket fence and…

Such thoughts are for another time! Sakura mentally told herself as she prepared for the task ahead.

This plan consisted of mere documentation of how they act when alone at night. If she could find out how Kurogane treated Fai when not alone, then she would be able to know whether or not they were keeping things a secret because of Kurogane's insecure masculinity. That would lead to her slipping into a conversation that she would perfectly accept them for who they were, should one turn out to be gay (though, with Fai is was obvious, soooo…), thus putting her mind to rest and getting a front row view of their adorable blushing and cooing and overall sweetness that was sure to come!

This was all considering they were kissing and stuff when alone. If not, then she would have to go back to playing matchmaker between them because it was painfully obvious they were meant to be. Yuuko herself said that when two people meet in such circumstances that they are destined to be together forever.

So there!

The current place they were renting had it so Kurogane and Fai had to share a room together. Kurogane had typically thrown a hissy fit while Fai gleefully accepted this idea. Sakura sometimes felt sorry for Fai. It was obvious he was head over heals in love, but Kurogane was a typical man in that he refused to show his true feelings. Again, rather hypocritical.

Sakura couldn't be mad at Kurogane, though. After all, he taught her really cool ninja techniques, such as the one she was currently taking advantage of. While Syaoran got sword training from the man, Sakura had received stealth training and self defense in order to protect herself since she wasn't physically as strong as others. This was perfectly fine with her because she really would rather not fight unless completely necessary.

As she watched the moon get covered by clouds, Sakura quietly stepped onto the ledge of her window and carefully grabbed onto the bricks to make her way over. Sadly, Kurogane and Fai's window was not the one next to her's. Instead, it was the third one over, making it so she had to slip past Syaoran's window, as well.

Of course, this was even more difficult since the ninja outfit Fai had gotten her was pink, not black. While stylish and really cute on her, it wasn't the most practical for stealth at night.

That's no problem! she thought. I can do this! All I have to do is peek in and jump across when Syaoran's not looking. He'll never know!

Latching tightly on the brick with special gloves, Sakura slowly moved over to Syaoran's window, putting a foot on the sill to keep her balance while cautiously peering in.

Bad idea.

Sakura quickly turned away as she caught sight of Syaoran taking his shirt off. Face now completely red and matching her outfit, Sakura shook her head to try and focus on Kurogane and Fai's relationship instead of the nicely tanned and slightly muscled, yet not too much, form in the window next to her and wondering if he was going to also take off his pants.

It's a rather difficult decision to make, really. However, Sakura opted for not being a Peeping Tom and going back to documenting the progress in her step parents' relationship.

Quickly checking that Syaoran's very nice back was turned, Sakura leaned over to secure herself on a brick before swinging by the window, successfully making it, no problem. Sighing in relief, she easily made it over to Kurogane and Fai's window and-

"Princess?! What are you doing?!"

Startled, Sakura jumped at Syaoran's voice and lost her hold of the wall.

Conclusion: Never do that again.

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In the end, Sakura made it out safely thanks to Syaoran grabbing her arm and pulling her into his room (in only his boxers). Apparently, Syaoran's clothes were wet from training and so he was opening the window to hang them over the ledge. Sakura would have known this, had she not been grounded for the evening. To make matters worse, Kurogane and Fai had heard the commotion and came over right away to see what was wrong, thus finding out what exactly had happened. It was all very humiliating.

Fai found it sweet that she wanted them to be happy.

Kurogane vehemently denied harboring feelings for him and grounded Sakura for a whole week.

Syaoran turned into a statue.

Thankfully, since he realized Sakura really felt bad for unintentionally embarrassing him, Kurogane kept up their training with one exception: Sakura use her mad ninja skills for good, not evil.

Sakura happily agreed to this. After all, helping Fai get his man and be happy forever was a good cause, right?

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**1.)** (side note) I hate it when people make Sakura not know what sex is. They seem to mistake innocence for ignorance.

**A/N:** How did this turn into six pages? I don't know. What I do know is that I want an art of ninja Sakura. Anyway, I was happily surprised at all of the reviews I got! It's the title, isn't it? Thank you all very much! And I'll try for Sakura/Syaoran crack, but I can already tell you all it's not going to be as often as you all would like. Not so much because I'm more KuroFai (I guess I technically am, but I squeal equally as much with SakuSyao scenes), but because they aren't as cracktastic as Kurogane and Fai. I'm sure you all can see my point, right? Sorry, but I'll try my best!

You know what to do!

Please leave a review!

As always, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism and IDEAS are welcomed with a pink ninja costume!


	3. Journal

**Date Written:** April 5, 2008

**Summary:** Syaoran lets out some much needed angst of his traveling situation.

**Flo:** -_sigh_- I've been doing ten thousand different fics and yet THIS is the one where the ideas come the easiest. What does that say about my mind?

**WARNINGS!** Nothing new, just language.

**Hope you enjoy!**

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Dear Diary... Journal,

This morning was horrible. Kurogane-san is very ripped and older and tan and pretty much everything you'd see on the cover of one of those athlete magazines. And he INSISTS on rubbing it in everyone's faces! I mean, how hard is it to bring clothes INTO the bathroom with you when taking a shower?! Apparently, very hard for him because he seriously walked through the entire freakin' house in a towel for all to see his wet, rock hard abs and pecs! It seems he can't put on clothes before he eats his breakfast.

Now, this wouldn't have bothered me that much had Sakura not been washing some dishes. Do you know what she did? Right when she saw him, she dropped the plate, and had the nerve to start blushing and stuttering and WOULD NOT STOP LOOKING AT HIM!! I've had my shirt ripped off, burned off, sliced off, whatever, but she's never looked at me like that before! Why must I be stuck in such an adolescent body? WHY?!

Then in prances Fai-san, here to whisk Sakura away from me. AGAIN. Seriously, what is with girls and gay guys? It's like they're a magnet for girls or something! And no, I don't know if Fai-san is actually gay or not, he's never specified, but COME ON! Anyone with eyes can see it in the first ten seconds of talking to the guy! The hair, the clothes, the actions. Oh, the actions. Kurogane-san was still in a towel at Fai's arrival and thus the flirting began.

"My my, Kuro-tan, is that a new look for you? I approve!"

And Kurogane-san actually blushed! He BLUSHED! My badass, ninja teacher blushed at the comment of the gay wizard of angst! That sounds mean. I completely accept both Kurogane-san and Fai-san for their… "relationship." I don't know how healthy it is for Fai-san, though. Oh god, what if Kurogane-san is using Fai-san just for sex?!

How do two guys do it anyway?

Oh god, what am I thinking?! Bad thoughts, bad thoughts, BAD THOUGHTS!! BEGONE!!

Again, I have nothing against the two. Aside from taking Sakura's attention away from me. I mean, every day I have to put up with her "secretly" checking Kurogane-san out or blushing whenever Fai-san calls her (and/or Kurogane-san) cute. That second one is strange because I'm pretty sure she's aware of his very strong attraction to Kurogane-san. However, I've heard that that increases a girl's attraction towards men in some cases. That would explain some of her odd behavior.

Speaking of Sakura's odd behavior, Fai-san and her went shopping yesterday and came back with a pink spandex… thing. I hope it's for Sakura… meaning, I hope Fai-san isn't intending on wearing it and Sakura is… I MEAN THIS IN A NON-PERVERTED MANNER!!

She said it was a ninja costume and she wanted to try and dye it black for some reason, but Fai-san said that it was fine the way it was. So I'm pretty sure it's for Sakura.

Then again, Fai-san did wear those thigh-high boots in that one world. I have to admit, it was very provocative in a mindset of being attracted to guys. Which I'm not… Okay, so I HAVE had a dream or two of Fai-san hugging me, but those are perfectly normal to have at my age! It means nothing! Simply that I want to get to know Fai-san better! (1) And Fai is very attractive, I'll admit that but merely as an observation. I also say that about Kurogane-san. You can't argue with that fact, sadly.

Which brings us back to point one, that being I sometimes hate our traveling companions for (as Mokona put it) "oozing sex." I have to already put up with other guy's checking Sakura out, I hate having to accept the fact that she may find our older companions better looking than me. But I'll grow! Why do you think I wanted sword training? Yes, it was fifty percent protecting Sakura, but the other fifty was so I could bulk up like Kurogane-san! I was already aware of Sakura's staring at him for prolonged amounts of time!

GASP!

I bet Kurogane-san KNEW she was staring, too, and he didn't do anything about it! What if he liked it?!

No, no Syaoran. Calm down. He probably just didn't care. Yeah. Because if he did care, then he'd yell at her to cut it out (which is what I want to do but don't out of respect for her) like he does with Fai-san. You know, I feel bad for Fai-san sometimes. He's head over heals in love with Kurogane-san, yet Kurogane-san treats him like nothing in front of everybody.

And for the record, I don't know whether or not they're really doing it, nor would I like to find out.

Anyway, Fai-san needs some therapy or something. Maybe I could do that? I've read psychology books and from what I've gathered, Fai-san is one screwed up bastard… I think I've been spending too much time with Kurogane-san. But seriously, he's always smiling, trying to "accidentally" get himself killed (like Kurogane-san's the only one who's noticed that itty bitty fact), sleeping with his head in the pillow as if trying to suffocate himself, drinking whenever possible, geez, he's totally going to just snap one day when one of us breaks a plate or something! Yeah, I think I'll try and console "Fai-mommy."

Well, that's it for the morning. I might be back at some point to update what exactly Sakura's doing with that pink thing. I kind of hope not, though.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**1.)** That is fairly common from what I've read and it really doesn't mean anything.

**A/N:** -_whistles_- Short! ... I need to cut my nails, my index finger is hurting from typing because the nail keeps hitting the key. Well, I just wanted to write and here's what came out. S'Okay. I wrote it in half an hour, can you tell? Again, I just needed to write something and it turns out that this is acceptable for this series. I reeeaaaally need to work on my other ones. Wish me luck!

You know what to do!

Please leave a review!

As always, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism and IDEAS are welcomed with the magazines Kurogane's on the cover of.


	4. Dysfunction

**Date Written:** May 10, 2008

**Summary:** Kurogane learns a valuable lesson on drugs, with very sad repercussions. Poor Fai.

**Flo:** This was not my idea, this was from mochimi and mahoumio from live journal at the kurofai community. It was a challenge that I decided to take up and meant to do two weeks ago but… well, I don't know, it just didn't happen until today.

**WARNINGS!** Much sex without actual sex… yeah. (Sorry) Overall, rather dirty.

**Hope you enjoy!**

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Fai emerged from the bathroom, relieved, yet trying to hide his annoyance at his would-be lover. It wasn't that one of them wasn't in love, or even that angst ridden soap opera story lines were keeping the two apart. The reason is that you really can't call someone your lover if you don't actually make love. Which is what they wanted to do. Yet circumstances were keeping the two apart, i.e. somebody wasn't able to provide the needed services.

"This… this has never happened before," Kurogane muttered as Fai sat down on the bed beside him.

"Uh huh," was all Fai responded with.

"I swear! I've always been able to pitch a tent, but… I don't know, maybe I'm just not in the mood or something?"

"That's hard to believe, seeing how you were the one who grabbed me from bandaging Syaoran-kun's leg, kicked Sakura-chan out of her room," -it was the closest- "threw me onto the bed and decided that you were the vampire in this relationship, now."

"Well, what the hell else would it be, then?"

Fai opened his mouth, then stopped, eyes growing as wide as saucers. "Kuro-tan…"

"What?"

"Am I… the first… male you've ever slept with?"

"Yeah, but what does that-?"

"YOU'RE STRAIGHT, AREN'T YOU?!"

"What?! No! Well, not entirely, I-!"

"Are you a virgin?!"

"No!"

"Then you've only slept with women, and I bet that this is all just a cruel bet that you and… and… Kyle Rondart are plotting in order to video tape it and make millions of quaklacs from!"

"… First off, I'm going to suppress the urge to both slap you and ask what the hell quaklacs are. Second, the next time I see that guy, I'm going to rip his head off Mortal Combat style. Third, yes, I've only been with women before, but now I want you, so shut up and bend over!"

"I'd say that that was rather affectionate for Kuro-rin, but I see no point in flirting with a straight man since I'm not going to get anything out of it. Beside, what are you going to put in me when your soldier can't salute?"

"IT. WILL."

Oo-Time cut, time cut, tra la la laaaaa!… Time cut-oO

"Work!" _Pow! _"Work!" _Pow! _"Work!" _Pow!_

"It's not working."

"It will work! I just need to hit it harder!"

"Kuro-tan, we've tried everything we can think of and I doubt that punching the little puppy-"

"It's not little or of the canine family!"

"-is going to make it rise and shine any better than the hand job, the blow job, the apple pie, the vacuum," -that part was made of memory suppressing material- "or even my strip tease/lap dance." Fai sighed as he made his way dramatically to the door. "To think that my subscription to Cock Block Monthly in Infinity was wasted on a straight man."

"For the last time, I'm going to plow you into this bed if it's the last thing I do!"

Considering the methods Kurogane was taking to get the blood flowing down stream were turning into things you'd see on Jackass, it probably was going to be the last thing he ever did. Thankfully, the Angel of Hope and Wonder soon appeared before the man took a jack hammer to his nether regions (nobody said that he was a genius outside of the battle field and psychology).

"Wow, you're into some kinky stuff, Kurogane," Yuuko said via Mokona.

"That's because Fai is a cock blocker!" Mokona provided.

"Ah, yes. Men in such situations do resort to drastic measures in order to sate their insatiable appetite for a piece of hot, wizard ass. I myself have had to indulge in rather different methods when I get a hankering for some of that good stuff!"

"Poor Yuuko! Should Mokona send you a lock of Fai's hair?"

"Shut the hell up, you two!" Kurogane yelled. "I don't want to hear any more of that conversation!"

"Besides," Fai began, "I've unblocked his cock after he gave me his arm as an engagement… thing. The problem is-"

"Don't you dare!"

"I must, Kuro-chuu! For the sake of the world! Who knows what a horny yet un-stiff ninja is capable of?!"

"… True."

"Anyway, our problem is that while he's fully capable of humping my leg, Kuro-puppy is having trouble raising the stocks of his factory. Can you help us, oh Great Guru of Yaoi?"

Yuuko hummed as she pondered over their dilemma. "I think I might know what the problem is. However, it's out of my professional area of expertise, believe it or not."

"I won't!"

"There is a sunny side to this, though! While I may be the Great Guru of Yaoi, the Patron Saint, with whom I am personal friends with, lives just down the street from you at this time and is even a doctor!"

"Really? Do tell!"

Oo-Hi-ho! Hi-ho! It's off to examine Kuro-puu's whoo-hoo they go!-oO

As the couple sat in the doctor's office, finishing contemplating the dichotomy of a sexual relationship verses one of abstinence, the nurse was off using high tech machinery to examine Kurogane's urine to see if there were little diseases swimming around in it. They had yet to see the actual doctor, though. Fai was getting nervous.

"I can't believe it," he was saying. "The Patron Saint of Yaoi! Will I be worthy?!"

"I'm more concerned with the issue of whether or not I'll be able to screw the living daylights out of you."

"… You know, I think I should be slightly worried about these rather violent scenes of love making you're producing… Oh well! By the way, Kuro-pipi, you being on top isn't the only way to do things. Why, I'm perfectly capable of taking control and maybe that's actually your problem! Your body is telling you that you prefer someone knocking on the back door as opposed to pillaging for yourself!"

"Quite possible, but not the case!" a voice which could only belong to a deity proclaimed before Kurogane could shout anything.

The lights dimmed.

A spotlight was cast to the door.

Lasers and a smoke filled the room.

With a drum roll, the door flew open to reveal…

"Subaru?!" Kurogane and Fai exclaimed.

"No!" girl Subaru yelled. "It's Hokuto Sumeragi! The greatest doctor/fashion designer known throughout the entire worlds! The one whom you are referring to would be my little twin brother. I would think that the difference would be obvious, seeing how I'm overflowing with greatest and all."

"Ah, yes," Fai said, wanting to please his new master and therefore did not ask any questions about Kamui (besides, by explaining such things, it'd take away from the sto- I mean, FUN they were having with their current situation).

"Okay, onto business… Yawn. Who can't come home with the bacon here?"

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Kurogane shouted.

"Well, this makes sense. I would have been shocked if it was the vision of pure uke power over there."

"What?!"

"But I digress. Onto the matter at hand." With those words, the room appeared to darken. "Kurogane-san, the urine tests have revealed that you are an avid consumer of drugs… is this true?"

"Kuro-buu!" Fai gasped as the dramatic background music swelled (pun intended).

Knowing that there was no way out of this, Kurogane sighed and muttered, "Well… they aren't really drugs. More like… performance enhancers."

"If they enhanced your performance, then you wouldn't be here."

(Pwned)

"Shut up, I mean athletically! And besides, I'm not addicted to them!"

"So you say. But whether you like it or not, steroids such as the ones you are currently using are considered drugs in that they can destroy your body, such as the liver."

"Whatever! I do what I want!"

"And isn't one of those things to pile drive tall, pale, and rapable over there?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, these steroids are preventing you from doing so!"

"No!" Fai gasped.

"Yes! You see, AS are derivatives of testosterone, which has strong genitotropic effects. For this reason, it is not surprising that side effects include the reproductive system. Application of anabolic steroids leads to supra-physiological concentrations of testosterone or testosterone derivatives. Via the feed back loop, the production and release of luteinizing hormone (LH) and follicle stimulation hormone (FSH) is decreased.

Prolonged use of anabolic steroids in relatively high doses will lead to hypogonadotrophic hypogonadism, with decreased serum concentrations of LH, FSH, and testosterone."

Fai's thoughts during this: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, etc.

Kurogane's thoughts during this: Man, I really wish Fai would put on a nurses outfit. Yeah, then I could take advantage of the innocent yet dirty nurse by flipping him onto the bench thing and brutally tear off all of those buttons, while Fai cried for more in that filthy, slutty voice I just know he's capable of. But I'd make him wait for it until he can't anymore and is nearly in tears, begging for me to just destroy him and…damnit, I'm still not getting hard!

"-so if you'd kindly drop your pants, then I would be able to properly examine the area effected most at this time-"

"THERE'S NOTHING ELSE WRONG DOWN THERE!" Kurogane nearly screeched.

"Are you telling the truth?" Kurogane nodded. "No shrinking, right?" Kurogane furiously nodded. "I'll take your word for it."

"Is there a cure, Doctor?" Fai dramatically asked, a camera close up revealing tears forming in his eyes.

Hokuto put on a pair of (very stylish, glittery, and pink with feathers) glasses in order to whip them off to assert the seriously dramatic tension in the room. "Thankfully, yes. After stopping AS use, the gonadal functions will restore within some months. There are indications, however, that it may take several months."

"Months?!" Fai cried, desperation clear in his voice and in the way he held his handkerchief (provided by the gracious doctor).

Kurogane had been lost at the word "gonadal." All he really understood was that he currently couldn't reach his peak in order to properly assert his bad ass seme self on Fai and that he wouldn't be able to for months. All those other big words were just for show. He bet that she didn't even know what they meant and Fai was just playing along in order to annoy him. Yes, like so many other things in his life, all of this was a plot against Kurogane.

"Do not fret, dear Fai! There is another way! We can, theoretically, administer choriogonadotropins in order to stimulate testicular function!"

"What do you mean, 'theoretically?'"

"Well, the effectiveness of this therapy is unknown."

"Hum, I suppose we'll just have to wait it out, then. That is, so long as Kuro-wan doesn't go into withdrawal and sprawl out in a gutter somewhere."

"I have no idea what the hell you two are talking about," Kurogane started, "but it's pissing me off! Give it to me straight already, Doc!"

"Rude," Hokuto mumbled. "Alright, I'll put it in words that you can understand. You're taking bad medicine to beef up for reasons I can only assume involve Mr. Jail Bait and it's making Little Kurogane-san unhappy. Therefore, you need to stop taking the bad medicine, which will make your fireman happy and want to dance all night long inside Fai's night club."

"Okay, yeah, I get it… but then why am I so desperate to do it to him and do it damn good, but unable to rise to the occasion? That doesn't make sense!"

"Ah, one of the cruel ironies of steroids. Although few investigations on this issue have been published, it appears that during AS use sexual desire is increased, although the frequency of erectile dysfunction is increased. This may seem contradictory, but sexual appetite is androgen dependent, while erectile function is not. Since sexual desire and aggressiveness are increased during AS use, the risk of getting involved in sexual assault may be increased. Fai-san, have you noticed any increased aggression in Kurogane-san?"

Fai pondered this for a while, thinking back to when he punched a wall when Fai said he was too tired to even make out and when he broke a mirror because the kids had walked in on them before Kurogane had even gotten to second base and also when he broke the table in half because Fai gave him a kiss on the cheek, saying that Fai was too much of a "cock tease." Not to mention the countless number of people that had been sent to the hospital for looking at Fai.

"No, nothing out of the ordinary," Fai answered. "The fantasies he's told me about us consummating our love have been a bit violent, but I think it's kinky!"

"Whatever turns you one… Oh, and there is one more thing I should warn you about."

The room appeared to grow darker with those words, a wind blowing through the room defying all logic since the door was closed and there weren't any windows in the room. Then again, the Patron Saint of Yaoi doesn't conform to such silly and unnecessary things like the "Laws of Physics."

"In your test results, Kurogane-san, it was revealed that you've been using more than one type of steroid. Is this true?"

"… Didn't you pretty much just say it was?" Kurogane asked.

"Shut up, I need to hear it from you to confirm it so just say yes!"

"… Fine."

"That's not 'yes.'"

"Yes!"

"'Yes, that's not 'yes'' or, 'Yes, I've been using more than one steroid and am confirming this to the amazing and beautiful doctor by-"

"Yes, I've been using more than one steroid! But not a lot, I had to switch around in order to find the good stuff."

"The man I love is a drug addict," Fai whimpered while dabbing away a tear. Kurogane chose to ignore this in hopes of being able to leave sooner.

"Of course. Anyway, by doing so you have raised the possibility of gynecomastia."

"…What?" Fai and Kurogane asked.

"Gynecomastia is caused by increased levels of circulating estrogens, which are typical female sex hormones. The estrogens estradiol and estrone are formed in males by peripheral aromatization and conversion of AS. The increased levels of circulation estrogens in males stimulate breast growth. In general, gynecomastia is irreversible. Understand?"

"No!" Kurogane snapped.

"I do!" Fai cheered, raising a hand. "If Kuro-daddy keeps using more than one steroid, he'll grow boobies and then be Kuro-mommy!"

"WHAT?!"

"Very good, Fai-san!" Hokuto praised. "Let's see, I know I have some gold star stickers around here somewhere."

"Screw the stars, just tell me how to fix my hose so I can water the idiot's garden!"

Hokuto paused in her search for reward stickers and huffed in annoyance. "I already told you! Just lay off the steroids for a couple months and it should be up and about at some point. By the way, just because it didn't say 'Howdy Doody!' today doesn't mean it never will while it's leaving your system. Feel free to try again at some point, like next week or even tomorrow."

"So there's no injection that's been proven to work?"

"Jeez, I've already explained all of this! I'm surprised you bagged such a good looking wife, I bet you never listen to anything he tells you, either. I've done my job! Check up's over! Now then, because I'm such a caring and generous person, for payment I'll let you decide between one of two choices!"

The evil glint in her eyes suddenly reminded Kurogane a little too much of Tomoyo. Fai, on the other hand, found it to be full of wonder yet to come.

Oo-It's amazing how Hokuto can make a story so much longer!-oO

In the end, everybody got what they wanted. Fai was thoroughly and successfully ravished by the sexy ninja, the sexy ninja was (eventually) able to fulfill his duties as the big, bad seme, and Hokuto got two wonderful models to showcase her new line of Bees and Flowers wear for men and their boy toys.

However, what was probably the greatest outcome from this ordeal was that Kurogane learned a valuable lesson in that drugs are bad… that was about it.

In short, Kurogane never took steroids again and they all lived happily ever after!

…

Erection.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**1.)** All information on the subject was taken from the following website: www .sportsci. org/encyc /anabstereff/ anabstereff. html#2

**A/N:** Again, **NOT MY IDEA!!** That credit goes to_**MOCHIMI** _and _**MAHOUMIO**_ from live journal. I merely gave it life and hope that it was up to their hopes! This was... interesting. Very out there, even for me. Okay, so it's all my fault, I was only provided with the idea of Kurogane having an erectile dysfunction due to steroids. It really went to EXTREME! crack when I put Hokuto into the mix. I DEMAND MORE FAI AND HOKUTO INTERACTIONS!! I don't know why CLAMP hasn't put her in there, yet... unless, she's also going to be playing a large role in the series, as CCS!Sakura and CCS!Syaoran have been revealed to be! I can only pray.

You know what to do!

Please leave a review!

As always, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is welcomed with outfits from Hokuto's line!


	5. ENOUGH!

**Date Written:** March 21, 2008

**Summary:** Growing tired of Fei-Wang's spell on Clow, the Tsubasa group decide to screw everything and let out some pint up frustration.

**Flo:** I've basically got a LOT of chapters and crap started, but this… I needed to let some major crack out. Have fun.

**WARNINGS!** HUGE spoilers for 184 and on! DO NOT read unless you don't care about spoilers, already have read the chapters, or are on medication. Okay? Okay.

**Hope you enjoy!**

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Two. Freaking. Weeks.

That was how long Syaoran, Fay, Kurogane, and Mokona had been putting up with that damned time loop thing that that ass chin (Fay had informed then of the man's horrid deformity ("Really, it was difficult paying attention to him, his chin was so huge and ugly")) had put them in. Screw the rest of the county, they weren't aware that they were doing the same thing every day for Fei-Wang knew how long. Not to mention how boring it all was! That kid tripping with the apples was cute at first, but there was only so many times you wanted someone to nearly fall on you (unless they were hot and Syaoran was not a pedophile).

It was day fifteen of this stupid plot that the four walked out into the streets to see, yet again, a boringly happy market bustling with people. Everyone was smiling and laughing. All the booths looked wonderful and the food delicious. There was the bird that flew overhead a while back. Then that was followed by a girl running by with toast in her mouth and, oh look! It's that kid with the apples! It looks like he's going to fall again.

Syaoran stepped to the side and let him fall flat on his face, the apples tumbling everywhere.

The market suddenly stopped.

A large group gasp was voiced.

"Hey, why didn't you help that poor boy?" someone asked, still too friendly to be human (honestly, why were they so freakin' happy?!).

"Yeah," someone else chimed in. "You were right there, you could have caught him and saved all of those apples!"

"You know what I think of apples?" Syaoran slowly said.

"No," the entire market replied.

Syaoran immediately stomped on one apple, smashing it into oblivion and all over the boy's face, who was close to tears now. "I hate apples and stupid kids who carry too many to begin with and their mother's who let them! And I stomp on these apples and pray to the gods of fruit to burn them in a state of pure hatred!"

"Yeah!" Mokona agreed, hopping toward a large cart of, yes, more apples and sucked them into her mouth. Once swallowed, she said, "Mokona is sick of this, too! Mokona needs action! Mokona is ready to rumble! Bring it on!"

As Mokona and Syaoran continued on their rampage to the townsfolk's horror, Fay muttered, "Hm, it seems that those two spent too much time with Kuro-Daddy in Infinity."

"Yeah?" Kurogane growled. "Well, I don't blame them! I'm freakin' sick of this damn place and everyone in it! It's boring as hell and if I don't get a chance to screw your brains out in the next five minutes, I'm gonna explode!"

"Why didn't you drive me into the bed in Nihon, then? One arm sex sounded kinky."

"Trust me, in a palace dominated by women who hang on Tomoyo's every word, that would have been a very bad idea."

"So, Kuro-tan was raised by fangirls. Tell me, did they think you were teh smex?"

"… What?"

"Excuse me, but are you two with that boy?" a worried civilian asked, a trickle of blood making it's way down his forehead.

"Yes, damnit!" Kurogane supplied. "Yes, that kid belongs to us, he's in our stupid little traveling group, our clothes are weird because we're not from here, and we need a place to stay, okay?! Quit asking me that!"

"Um, o-okay, but shouldn't you two do something about him and his pet?!" Glancing over to where the man pointed, Fay and Kurogane saw that Syaoran was kicking a pineapple into submission while Mokona was driving a cart into a nearby tree. "They're ruining our preparations for the festival to be held at those ruins over there. Do you see them? They're right there, over those sand dunes and-"

The man would have continued if Kurogane hadn't punched him in the jaw.

"Was that really necessary?" Fay commented.

"Yes!" Kurogane shouted. "The kid and meat bun have a good idea here! If I can't release my pint up frustration by pile driving you, then I'm gonna let it out violently!"

At that, Kurogane's sword was taken out and with a loud battle cry, he joined in on the Hun-like pillage of the market, Syaoran and Mokona cheering him on. What a family affair! There's nothing like completely demolishing a market with your son. It really brought them all that much closer!

But like all family affairs, there were family affair destroyers nearby, waiting to pounce and ruin their fun.

"You three!" someone shouted above the crowd. "By the power of the armed forces of Clow, I command you to halt in your actions and return quietly to your dwelling at once!"

"Screw you!" Kurogane shouted back. "There's no way in hell you idiots are going to take me to jail unless you have a death wish!"

"Sir, we have no intention of sending you anywhere. We merely ask that you please stop this needless destruction and cooperate peacefully."

"What the hell? We're destroying your city and you aren't going to throw us into the dungeon or something?!"

"Well, what you're doing isn't technically against the law."

"Come again?" Syaoran asked.

"While destruction of housing is illegal, destruction of market is not. We've never actually had it happen so there was no need for a law to be issued, really. King Touya has expressed interest in the subject, but the council members claim that by passing such a law it would result in the actual committing of the crime due to-"

As the guard continued to drone on about the technicalities and such, Kurogane exchanged a look of pure "screw it" with Syaoran and Mokona and went right back to hell raising.

Meanwhile, Fay stood alone off to the side, pondering the entire situation. It was very tempting to go on a violent rampage. Exercise was a good stress relief and they definitely needed to do something to feel better. As Kurogane previously stated, sex was currently difficult (Fei-Wang truly was evil!) and none of them had the patience for something like basket weaving. Besides, they were in a time loop! Everything would be repaired and nobody would remember all of this the next day. Hell, they weren't even going to be punished for it from what Fay heard the guard tell the others!

At that thought, a plan came to play into Fay's mind.

"Excuse me, ma'am," he said to a lady hiding under a basket. "But what does it take to get thrown in jail around here?"

The lady peaked out from her safe spot to quickly, yet politely, answer, "W-Well, the main laws that do that and not just fine you are stealing, beating another person, killing, and public indecency… is that all?"

"Yes, thank you very much! Have a nice day!"

This would be easy as pie.

Fay cautiously moved towards where Kurogane was happily chopping up a cart of gazpacho, while letting his jacket slip off. Tapping him on the shoulders, Fay was quickly met with a pair of blazing red eyes and a hissed, "What?!"

"Kuro-rin," Fay whined. "It's really hot here!"

"No shit, now either join me or get lost! I'm busy!"

Pouting, Fay continued onward. "But I'm starting to get really sweaty, Kuro-puu! I don't know what to do!"

"Well, go inside or something! Geez, it's own fault for wearing such heavy clothes."

"Oh, Kuro-tan is so smart!"

"Heh?"

Before Kurogane was able to properly figure out what on earth Fay was talking about (though he wouldn't argue with it), his eyes nearly popped out of his skull.

Right in the middle of all the chaos, Fay appeared to be in the beginning of doing, to Kurogane's immense delight, a strip tease. And was very good at it, too!

The gloves were already pulled off by his teeth and now Fay was making painfully slow work of the buckles on his jacket. With each buckle snapped off, the top slipped more and more off of his shoulders, revealing tantalizing milky skin until it was just hanging by Fay's wrists. Once the last snap was removed, he twirled his fingers around near his unbearably low and tight pants, slipping in and moving along the waist band, yet not quite low enough. His other hand was moving up his body, gently caressing his skin as he would a lover. With closed eyes, Fay threw his head back and let out a small whimper as the hand came up and into his mouth for him to suck on and why the hell was Kurogane just standing there?!

That thought in place, Kurogane pounced on Fay in zero point two seconds tops.

However, so had the guards.

UuUuUuUuUuUuUuU

Half an hour, sixteen bloodied guards members, twelve dozen destroyed barrels of produce, two smashed carts, one muzzled meat bun, one seriously pissed of kid, one horny ninja, and one half naked jail bait blonde later, the group found themselves in prison cell after the destruction of property had changed to a strip show, then to an all out brawl, thus making it a charge of violence towards others.

"What the hell was that?" Kurogane asked Fay.

"My plan to get us closer to our goal," Fay proudly stated.

That perked Syaoran out of his grumpy state. "Really?!" he asked.

"Yup! You see, I figured if we got arrested, then we'd be sent to the prison which I assumed was near the castle, which is closer to the ruins and out of public. Now when the loop starts back up tomorrow, the guards will come by, not remember us, and then let us out, apologizing profusely for the inconvenience. This will all be done as quickly as possible and make it so we are closer to our goal!"

Silence.

"Holy crap, that actually makes sense."

And so, the many different worlds and Sakura were soon saved from destruction, all thanks to Fay's strip show.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**REASON WHY YOU GOT TWO ALERTS! (maybe):** I had to delete if for five second and fix an error. I had said "day seven" when the first sentence said that two weeks had gone by. SORRY! But an error that big would have driven me NUTS. More.

**A/N:** This was written when chapter 184 was still recent, so, yes, I DO know what they did (no very action packed, but it makes sense). I got the idea from Qatari-sama at msn when he stated that he would have let the kid trip and some other rather violent stuff about that time loop.

Oh, and I AM WORKING ON OTHER CHAPTERS IN MY OTHER SERIES, SO DON'T FRET! One of my actual stories should be updated soon, I hope. Also, if you review this then please don't ask/tell me to update "Let's Scar Syaoran!" I'm getting to that. Thank you!

You know what to do!

Please leave a review!

As always, CONSTUCTIVE criticism is welcomed with a "How To Strip," video by Fay.


	6. Purple Prose and Stupid Hoes

**Date Started:** Sometime in July of 2008-ish, maybe?

**Date Finished:** July 29, 2010

**Flo:** Why HELLO~ ! New and old readers of mine, I welcome you to my new fic starring my OC Shizuka! Her and Fai are in love and it's all kinds of fun with love triangles and everything! And maybe something naughty? LOLOLOLOL!

**Hope you enjoy!**

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It was a gorgeous day in the world that the travelers had landed in. The birds were chirping, the sky was blue, and the streets bustling with people. Yes, it was a perfect day to simply take a stroll through town and buy some freshly baked bread. Fay could already smell it's heavenly scent, his excitement growing as he drew closer to the bakery.

A perfect day. That's what it was shaping out to be. Why, there was even a lightness in his stomach that just made him smile without a care in the world. And why shouldn't he? As stated, it was a beautiful day and there are very few things better than freshly baked bread, the children were getting over their horrible case of embarrassment when sitting together on the couch, Mokona's landing technique was greatly improving, and Kurogane and himself had even shared their first kiss the other night. Despite how chaste it was, the memory made Fay feel like he was walking on a cloud.

No, nothing in any world (except maybe one or two) could bring him down.

Suddenly, a loud shriek rang above the noise of the town. And though it was a scream of terror, it still sounded of sweet bells, chiming in a cathedral, more clear than any sound ever made. Fai quickly turned his attention to where he thought it to be coming from, only to find himself gazing upon the most beautiful creature he had ever had the honor of laying eyes on. And she was being brutally beaten by a group of men, obviously slave traders!

… Kind of. On closer inspection, it appeared that she was slamming herself into the nearby wall, repeatedly, and/or grabbing these men's' fists to hit herself with. And did she really just force that old man to grab her boob?

With a sigh, Fay decided that it would be good for his karma to try and help.

"Excuse me," Fay asked as he approached the group. "Is this woman harassing you young gentlemen?"

Before they could answer a group "HELL YES!", the woman flung herself onto Fay, making them both fall to the ground. While they lay still like that, Fai with this goddess on top of him, he realized just how immensely beautiful she was. Her hair was ebony black and shone so brightly in the sun, revealing light purple highlights (natural, of course). Her body was slim, but still had curves in all of the right places, and fit with Fai's just like a puzzle piece, proving that they were meant to be. She then lifted her gaze up and fluttered her eye lids in a cute daze, shocking Fai with dazzling eyes as blue and clear as crystals. Truly, this was a being sent from the gods.

"Oh, it's YOU!" the girl breathed as Fay still gasped for air as it's difficult to, you know, breath with somebody on top of you. "I've missed you so, my darling! So many decades have past with me alone in our bed without your warmth!"

"Wha-?"

"Shhh, don't speak!" At this point, the stranger put two delicately manicured fingers against Fai's lips to silence him. Fay looked towards the group of men, but all of them were slowly backing away before going into a full sprint. At least one of them had the decency to shrug first at him, then run away. "We must cherish this moment with a kiss."

And thus Fai found his lips covered by the woman's. They were soft and delicate, and tasted of the sweetest berries. Her lips danced across his in a waltz that just came naturally to the pair, until her tongue delved into his mouth, opening it to continue their lover's reuniting.

Then Fay promptly threw up in her mouth.

UuUuUuUuUuUuUuU

"Don't you see?" the woman was yelling. "We're meant to be together! We made a promise! You gave me this golden locket made from your magic as proof of our never ending love so GET BACK HERE AND LOVE ME!"

"No!" Fay yelled back as he ran back to their group's current abode. "You violated me!"

It was true. Fay was desperate to get back to Kurogane and kiss him, so as to negate the crazy lady's lingering venom on his lips. Just the thought made him want to throw up all over again, and you combine that feeling with running and, yes, he did have to stop to throw up again. This time in a trash can (thank God).

"You poor thing," the girl was still saying as Fai slumped against the nearby bench in exhaustion. "This reaction must be from the immense shock of seeing me, or something."

"Yeah," Fay muttered. "Or something."

"I know you don't remember me, but try! My name is Shizuka Yuki."

Fay stared at her.

"That should refresh your memory because of it's special meaning!"

Fay raised an eyebrow.

"… It's"-Google-"Japanese for 'quiet snow'!"

"I don't speak Japa-"

"You and I are long lost lovers!"

Fay felt bile rising up again, but forcefully swallowed it down as he still had to get home. Of course, that made him feel even worse. "Shizuka" took notice of this and gracefully sat down beside him on the bench and placed his head in her lap. Fay was too out of it to move at that moment.

"Allow me to start from the beginning," Shizuka's calming voice whispered.

"Please don't."

"YOU SEE, back in Celes when you were just a child, you and I met and became inseparable. Although, I was an orphan who lived all alone and poor, while you were a prince. Everybody loved you and when they found out that you loved me, **AND ONLY ME**," -Fay shuddered at the severity of those words- "they began to hate me. Everyday was a living hell for me. The people of Celes brutally beat me up and spat on me, just for fun. It was because they were so jealous of my beauty and power, though, so I could only forgive them for their foolish ways. Besides, I had our nightly meetings to look forward to!

"Alas! Our love was doomed to be painful, though. Once Ashura-ou found out, he banished me from the land, to wander aimlessly through worlds… which I can do because I'm so powerful, you see. I've spent all of these years looking for you because I was able to see into the future that you would be traveling with others through different dimensions, looking for a princess' memories. And now I've found you and I can give the princess the rest of her memories!"

Fay bolted up at this statement. "YOU have the rest of Sakura-chan's memories?" he exclaimed.

"Yes, yes I do! But…"

"But?"

"But after I give them to her, I will only have a short time to live!"

"… "

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… So?"

"Well, we'll have to travel through many dimensions in order to find parts of my soul, which are in the form of feathers."

"Funny. That sounds an awful lot like what happened to Sakura-chan."

"Yes, but mine is much more life threatening. Because of it, I go into sudden fainting spells that are horribly serious! Much worse than regular sleep, I get high fevers and nightmares. Oh my, I… I do believe I feel a tad bit faint. Who will catch me when I faaaaall?"

Fay blinked as Shizuka threw herself onto the ground. She seemed to be doing a lot of that. And so with a sigh, he stood back up and stepped over Shizuka with the intention of putting this entire crazy incident behind him and making out with Kurogane. That sounded like a marvelous choice of activity, especially seeing how long it took for the man to get the courage to finally kiss Fay the other night. Half the fun with Kurogane was the hunt, though!

"WAIT!" Shizuka wailed as she latched onto Fay's ankle.

"Let go!" Fay yelled (he was really losing his patience with this chick!). Shizuka merely tightened her grip and dug her claws into his leg, making Fay fall over. This did not deter him, though. Instead, he desperately tried to pull himself across the ground, all the while having to listen to Shizuka's barely coherent babbling.

"B-But you can't leave me here all alone! I'm… I'm… HORRIBLY WOUNDED FROM MY FALL! See? I have a gash on my head! Oh the agony!"

"You don't know the meaning of the word! Besides, I don't see anything, you're just making stuff up in order for me to feel sorry for you!"

"I am so hurt! It's just on the back of my head, you can't see it that well, but it's there! And it hurts so bad! FAY-KUN, PLEASE HELP ME!"

"KURO-SAMA, PLEASE SAVE ME!"

"SHUT UP ALREADY!" Fay snapped his head to the side where he heard the rude command, only to find the one and only Kuro-Hunky McBeefcake Ninja Stud, aka, Captain Kuro-"I'd like a swing like that in MY backyard"-licious, aka, Sir Kuro-MmMm Good, aka, Kuro-SexAY Man Beast Wolverine, aka, let's stop here, shall we? Though, ninety-nine point nine percent of the entire human race, non humans included, commonly referred to him as Kurogane (that was a long journey, wasn't it? Yes, indeed).

The new character to this farce glared at the scene before him, specifically Fai, whom he had absolutely nothing but disdain for, seeing as how one-dimensional Kurogane is towards him. However, his glare quickly melted from his face, along with his heart, as his gaze settled upon the young girl beside the idiot mage.

The first thing he noticed was her ebony hair and- you know what? We've been through this with Fay. The aforementioned looks have no further reason to be explained as it would be redundant.

But she was so beautiful and perfect that Kurogane found new adjectives, completely different from Fai's, to describe her with! The goddess' midnight hair was showered with natural purple streaks which caught the light and shone like the aurora borealis, which totally exists in Japan. Her locks flowed around her, framing her perfect body and enhancing her D cup bust, tiny waist, and shapely, but not too round, hips: a perfect hour glass figure, complete with legs for miles that Kurogane could stare at all day. She was garbed in silken clothes, though they were simple in appearance as she was obviously poor. It was white, as white as snow, with a small bit of blue decorating the skirt in snowflake patterns, flowing gracefully around her body, brushing every curve in all the right places. Despite her simple appearance, her beauty out shone her poor lifestyle, showing everybody that this young woman, this humble being, was truly a divine creature who should be treasured and protected.

Kurogane was in love!

As well as a fashion and beauty expert, apparently.

"Weird," Kurogane muttered.

"What?" Shizuka exclaimed. "Are you confused of your conflicting feelings to protect me as well as love me, but can't, due to the strict rules keeping you as simply a bodyguard to me and thus allowing nothing more between us?"

"No, I have this feeling that there was a really long description of you that didn't make any sense."

"I've been having a similar feeling for quite a while now," Fay added.

"You think it might be a feather?"

"I don't think so. This power being generated is very selfish to begin with as opposed to being manipulated into such. I highly doubt Sakura's feathers are capable of… whatever this is."

As Kurogane and Fay continued to discuss what this world could possibly have up it's sleeves, Shizuka began to feel faint. Oh no! she thought, her eyes widening in panic. Not only had Fai somehow escaped from her clutches (probably happened while she was being described in Kurogane's point of view), but he and Kurogane were speaking of things that did not directly involve her. Thinking quickly (is that even possible?), she let out an ear piercing scream, her hands flying up to her grab at her hair in agony.

"What's wrong?" Fai questioned.

"Such… power…!" Shizuka managed to get out through the pain. "I can't…!"

Kurogane and Fai rushed to her side, both silently fighting to get to their precious princess first to help. They both were able to catch her at the same time as she gracefully fell back with a soft sigh. The two exchanged looks between themselves and came to a mutual agreement that they needed to get urgent medical help for her, even though neither had even bothered to check her over for any actual injuries. Because, you know, it was an emergency!

Before Kurogane and Fay had a chance to fight over who would take her to the hospital, Kurogane stopped and said, "What are we doing?"

Fay blinked and answered, "I don't know. First we were trying to get away from this girl, and now we've somehow lowered ourselves to fighting over minimal situations involving her."

"I'm not trusting this world as far as I can throw it. I say we ditch the girl, head home and figure out as fast as possible if there's even a feather here to begin with, then get the kids and manjuu out of here before they're sucked into this crap, too."

"Agreed."

With that, the two promptly dropped Shizuka and began to walk away.

But it can never be that easy, can it?

"Hold it!" Shizuka shouted, suddenly one hundred percent better. "You can't just leave me here!"

"Why not?" Kurogane asked, while Fay tried to get him to just ignore her (results varied).

"Because I'm now an important part of your journey! You NEED me! I'm the entire reason you two are here to begin with, so you have to take me with you everywhere you go, no questions asked! Unless they're about my past. But then I won't answer them until at LEAST ten chapters in in order to build up suspense and before that I'll just angst about it with one of you to comfort me. Doesn't that sound like such a better plot than what you're doing now?"

"No! No, it doesn't!"

At this moment, something occurred to Fay. The only way to get this girl to stop stalking them was to prove to her she had no purpose in their lives. Without a second thought or even a moment's hesitation, Fay grabbed Kurogane's shirt and pulled him down for a kis-

"**ENUFF!**"a booming voice echoed throughout the land, pausing Fai in his misguided deed. As the clouds overhead grew dark, the wind began to howl, causing a funnel to form before the pair. With a loud crash of thunder, a being came forth from perhaps the very pits of hell and set her disapproving gaze down upon Fai and Kurogane. "**U R TTLLY ROONING MY STORI!**"

"… Come again?"

"I said you are totally ruining my story!"

As the clouds returned back to normal, Fay got a very good and interesting look at this girl. She appeared to be a preteen or at least an early teenager. Her black hair had poorly done purple highlights in them, while her equally black shirt said, "OTAKU 1!" on it. Her skin was sickly pale, made worse by the dark circles under her eyes and pimples adorning her nose. Her pants were too baggy, but Fai guessed it was to make her look skinnier, which it didn't, and to top it all off… she was wearing cat ears for some gosh forsaken reason.

Who does that? Fay thought in horror, hoping for her own sake that she didn't wear those things in public.

However, he was quickly brought out of his musing when a light wind began to brush against his cheek. Looking behind him, he found that Shizuka had majestically transformed into the most beautiful angel in all existence as he has seen many, MANY angels in his lifetime. Kurogane was swept up in her beauty, as well, his face heating up upon laying eye upon her. Her cheeks held a slight blush when she noticed Fai and Kurogane staring at her in awe and-

"NO!" Fay yelled. "This doesn't make sense! Why is all of this unimportant stuff happening so fast as opposed to finding out who she actually is? Why is she suddenly an angel? And since when are beautiful women discriminated against?"

"Since I said so!" the strange being shouted back, spit spewing from her mouth like fire sparking from a dragon's. Though, not really making her threatening so much as gross and- "I SAID TO SHUT UP!"

Kurogane and Fay exchanged looks, while Shizuka floated majestically.

"… Nobody said anything," Fay cautiously pointed out.

"Not you guys, that stupid jealous wannabe BITCH!"

Silence and more floating.

The girl sighed in irritation, clearly pissed off that they didn't understand, despite their not understanding to be completely understandable. Understand?

"The OTHER author of this fic!" the girl continued, while waving her arm around the area to indicate their surroundings as the "fic." "In case you haven't noticed, the two of you, as in Kurogane and Fai" -Fay- "FAI, have been experiencing different thoughts and personality shifts that are, like, way way way different from each other." "That's an understatement," Kurogane muttered.

"That's because I'm trying to write a freakin' romance story with my awesome OC with Fai, while some other stupid bitch is trying to turn it into an idiotic and disgusting yaoi! I mean, there are so many KuroFai fics on ffnet, it's so annoying! Okay, one or two is fine, whatever, but over a hundred?" -More like a thousand- "THATZ EVN WERS!1"

"How so?" Fay dared to ask.

The girl sputtered like one of those cars from Piffle. "HOW SO? How so, you ask! HA! You must be being manipulated by that other writer. I mean, it's so obvious!"

"Then gain control by explaining it to me." Fay wasn't serious about the control part. He merely was honestly curious as he didn't understand how Kurogane and himself being a couple was any worse than that Shizuka chick and him being one.

"You and Kurogane AREN'T A PAIRING AT ALL! You're just friends who hold respect for each other, nothing more! It's so obvious to everybody but those stupid yaoi fan girls just have to come in and ruin everybody's fun by writing such crappy fanfiction with you two having sex and all kinds of nasty stuff! I mean, you can like what you like but they just take it way too far!"

"What?" a new voice suddenly asked.

The group turned around to see another girl enter the scene, minus the pomp and circumstance. She was practically the polar opposite of the Otaku1! girl in that her clothes actually fit properly, she obviously took good care of her health and hygiene, and looked overall approachable. While Kurogane and Fay both groaned at the third member with the same thought of "Not another one!", Shizuka and Otaku1! glared at her in contempt.

"So you've finally shown yourself, have you?" Otaku1! hissed.

"Yeah," the new girl answered. "And to make this quick for you two," -she indicated Kurogane and Fay at this point- "just call me 'Flo.'"

"No fair! I wanna be called by my penname, too!"

"Then you should have introduced yourself better!"

"Shut up, I don't wanna hear that from YOU! Anyway, Kuro-tan and FaiFai can call me FaisIcePrincess4EVA!"

Fay passed out right about here.

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**A/N:** YES, I'M BACK AND STILL WRITING CRACK! Though, now more drawing crack than writing. But I forgot I had and this in my files, so I've been working on finishing it. At 3000+ words at this point, we're going to break this up into two chapters, okay? Also, out of curiosity, did any of the 26 people who have this on alerts go WTF? at me for a second when you got that chapter summary in your inbox? XD (Then again, there IS that chapter title, which I'm rather proud of~) SO yeah, I'm going against all my personal rules with this story...

**SIDE NOTE!:** In case you didn't already notice, the parts where Fay is spelled "Fay" is supposed to be Flo's (yes, me…) side of the story while the parts with "Fai" is… the other girl's part. No qualms with the spellings in real life, I just like "Fay" better.

**2nd SIDE NOTE!:** If you were insulted by this and the next chapter because it seems I have taken parts of your OC and used it for Shizuka to make fun of you, then you are probably guilty of a Mary Sue because you know what? **_I HAVE NOT READ ANY TSUBASA CANONXOC FICS, EVER!_** I kid you not, all of these traits are just parts of what I figure would be a Tsubasa Mary Sue. There was one I skimmed when it first came out around two years ago when this was my main fandom, didn't like, so moved on but I can't even remember her name, (S-something, that's about it), much less anything else about her, except that she was boring as hell (hence my reason of no remembrance). Of course, now I totally AM going to go read some tsubasa OC fics so I can find a Mary Sue and SPORK IT! So long as it's complete with a rude Suethor, because if I find the author to be decent towards others who don't like their OC, Mary Sue or not (which some OCs aren't), then I don't spork them. But OH, how fun it is to spork~ -_salutes_-

You know what to do,

Please leave a review!

As always, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism will be welcomed with art~ as that's what I've been doing for the past two-ish years instead of updating my fics… sorry?


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